In Which I Want To Be First Dude.

The following is an unpaid political endorsement, emailed today to our friends and family in Washington State:

Dear Friends,

Rarely do I make such a blatant appeal to sway your vote, but this is an important election and I cannot stay silent any longer.

Like us, you may have been following our WA governor’s race with a little bit of nausea in your stomach at the tone the campaign has taken. Gov. Christine Gregoire hates babies, while her Republican challenger Dino Rossi doesn’t believe in trees.

You can see the conundrum: depending on who you vote for, either our streets will be overrun with sex offenders, or Dino Rossi will invade your privacy in ways you cannot now imagine, even calling you on occasion to ask, “Are you going to eat that last piece of chicken?”

It’s gotten to the point where neither of us feel like we can vote for either one as it would communicate support for the ugly, exaggerated campaign they have run (which seems ridiculous even by political standards).

Therefore, I offer you an alternative write-in choice: My wife, The Wise One.

The Wise One for governor.

I know she just got a new job and all, but I’m sure her new employer would understand, and I think she would do a good job.

Plus, I’ve been in the Governor’s mansion and it’s really nice, and you would all be invited for dinner.

If The Wise One were elected Governor, schools would get top priority, along with roads, salmon (especially smoked salmon because it’s her favorite), the environment, the economy, working poor, homeless people, mass transit, handicapped children, healthcare, consumer protection, both the liberal media and Dori Monson, and everyone in the state who wanted a job would have one.

In addition, she’s really good at cleaning up stuff, as she’s been a mom and a nanny. I’ve learned from listening to political speeches and debates and looking at ads that one of the most important things politicians have to do is get in there and clean up stuff (in this case, clean up Olympia), so she’s a natural.

Last year she held about 42 positions on the PTSA board, so she’s good at multi-tasking.

She’s also not particularly fond of cats, so those fat cats will have to watch out.

My wife is also kind of a maverick. In my family, popcorn is an almost daily tradition, and after 12 years of marriage, she still bucks the trend and says she does not like popcorn. That’s just one example of how she will not be swayed by “popular” opinion.

She’s a people person, and while she’ll not hold back from expressing her opinion, she also doesn’t like to let conflict linger, so she’d probably reach across the aisle to make peace. Sometimes when we’re in the car she’ll reach across the little console thing in between the seats and hold my hand, and I think that’s a pretty good example that she would reach across the aisle — whatever aisle she might encounter — to get things done.

Sometimes when she’s at the grocery store, and she needs something that is not on the shelf right next to her, she has to reach across the aisle there, and is *usually* successful. That’s just one example of the skill she would bring to the Governor’s Office.

She’s also been to Canada.

We’ve been together for 16 years, and I grew up in Olympia, so she’s spent a lot of time there. She’s not an “insider” but she knows Olympia well enough to get around. And she knows where Big Tom’s is, and in Olympia, that’s important. She also knows many of the other good places to eat in Olympia, and she likes taking the boys to the water park down by Capitol Lake.

I’ve been trying to come up with catchy slogans, but all I’ve got so far is: The Wise One: My name won’t fit on this bumper sticker. If you have any suggestions, I’m sure the time you spend thinking about it would qualify somehow for a tax deduction.

The Governor’s salary is more than what we make, and mama needs new clothes. It would be a good investment of taxpayer dollars, since we tend to wear things until they fall apart. We both still have a couple of shirts from college, and who knows when we bought these socks.

In summary:

The Wise One for Governor.

Schools. Cleaning up Olympia. Maverick. Reach across the aisle. Not an insider. Experience. Mama needs new clothes.

The Wise One for Governor.

Thank you for your support.

“My name is The Wise One and I approved this message.”



Filed under politics, The Wise One

5 responses to “In Which I Want To Be First Dude.

  1. Kairos of ToT

    Heck yeah! Now, to figure out how I can cast my vote for her from the other side of the country…

  2. To bad I can’t vote for Governor of WA…

  3. My uncle sent us the following reply:

    You sold me! I mean, I don’t see how anyone can beat her qualifications. Just a couple of concerns: Can she promise two chickens in every pot? And how about two cars in every garage? And can she spare her brother a dime? Will she guarantee the soup kitchen will still have a supply when I finally reach the end of the line?

    Since I am a senior citizen, I, of course, went through all this turmoil after the Great Depression. Now we get to look forward to the Greatest Depression. I have a box of apples I can barter, plus an ample supply of Van Camp’s pork ‘n beans. Unfortunately, I don’t have arms and ammunition to fend off invading neighbors when word gets around that I have the apples and pork ‘n beans.

    Which brings up a lot of questions concerning the current political rhetoric: Will illustrious Senators Obama and McCain come up with the trillions it will take to run our country for the next four years? How about four months? Four weeks, maybe?

    And that’s when I jump at the chance to suggest that Nominee The Wise One begin a donation campaign. All holders of gold and silver should donate first. Then all farmers should donate their chickens, while hardware stores could give all their soup pots. I have other suggestions which are either too numerous or too nauseating to state here. So let this suffice for now. Let’s just get out the vote!


  4. cairo10

    Only one thing will sway my vote:
    Ketchup or Mustard?

    -> Give ’em hell, Mel!

  5. Elaine

    I’m convinced!

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